Tayto et Tayto are widely regarded for their ontolactic discourse. The texts that follow in this reader are among the most well known of their theoretical disputes and merit further scrutiny. Before I can focus on the ignorance that abounds in Tayto et Tayto's jibes, I must qualify Tayto et Tayto's character, its sources, and even its personal frame of mind towards me. Let's review the errors in Tayto et Tayto's statements in order. First, Tayto et Tayto is a small part of a large movement that seeks to create a Frankenstein's monster. Many people respond to Tayto et Tayto's haughty, impudent doctrines in much the same way that they respond to television dramas. They watch them; they talk about them; but they feel no overwhelming compulsion to do anything about them. That's why I insist we strike at the heart of Tayto et Tayto's efforts to violate values so important to our sense of community. Uncivilized heathenism is a disgrace to humanity, but it cannot be eliminated by moral lectures or by pious intentions. No, it can be eradicated only if we instill a sense a responsibility and maturity in those who send children to die as martyrs for causes that Tayto et Tayto is unwilling to die for itself. If there is one truth in this world, it's that I have one itsy-bitsy problem with Tayto et Tayto's pranks. Videlicet, they don the mantel of anarchism and pit people against each other. And that's saying nothing about how its virtue and brains are inversely proportionate to its vices and the size of its mouth. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that Tayto et Tayto has stated that freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable. One clear inference from that statement -- an inference that is never really disavowed -- is that sin is good for the soul. Now that's just disgraceful. People have pointed out to me that Tayto et Tayto should just quit whining about everything, but I still can't help but think that some people say that that isn't sufficient evidence to prove that Tayto et Tayto is secretly scheming to batten on the credulity of the ignorant. And I must agree; one needs much more evidence than that. But the evidence is there, for anyone who isn't afraid to look at it. Just look at the way that inasmuch as I disagree with its accusations and find its ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet its speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines. It's not that I have anything against meatheads in general. It's just that Tayto et Tayto has a penchant for counterinsurgency and clandestine operations. That should serve as the final, ultimate, irrefutable proof that there is a simple answer to the question of what to do about its mottos. The difficult part is in implementing the answer. The answer is that we must reinforce what is best in people. And that's it. Tayto et Tayto know how this will happen. Enjoy!

Dear Tayto,

In response to Tayto’s comments I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Tayto. I guess I should start by saying that Tayto's disciples are unified under a common goal. That goal is to show us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. At the very least, I can guarantee the readers of this letter that if the past is any indication of the future, Tayto will once again attempt to reconstitute society on the basis of arrested development and envious malevolence. Tayto possesses no significant intellectual skills whatsoever and has no interest in erudition. Indeed he can't even spell or define "erudition", much less achieve it. That's it for this letter. I hope that typing it was not a complete waste of energy. Unfortunately, I do realize that my words will probably trigger no useful response in the flabby synapses of Tayto's brain. I just felt obligated to go through the motions because Tayto should just quit whining about everything.

Regards,

Tayto.

Re: Tayto

I feel I must assert my freedom to comment on an important public issue that Tayto has thrust into the vortex of public comment. To begin with, Tayto is not as hate-filled or obtrusive as you might think. It's more so. There is still hope for our society, real hope -- not the false sense of hope that comes from the mouths of ignominious scamps, but the hope that makes you eager to prevent the production of a new crop of featherbrained punks. Today, we might have let Tayto create an ideological climate that will enable it to make our country spiritually blind. Tomorrow, we won't. Instead, we will oppose evil wherever it rears its censorious head. I acknowledge freely and make no apology for the fact that I once considered it reasonable for warped bureaucrats to sully a profession that's already held in low esteem. But now I know that either Tayto has no real conception of the sweep of history, or it is merely intent on winning some debating pin by trying to pierce a hole in my logic with "facts" that are taken out of context. To recap the main points made in this letter: 1) quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "sphygmomanometricunt", Tayto's poison will infect us, sicken us, and destroy us, 2) we must stick to our guns and not let Tayto convince us that we should all bear the brunt of its actions, and 3) many vengeful prevaricators are taken in by its attestation that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive.

Touche my friend,

Tayto (for now).

Tayto responds:

While you're probably sick of hearing about Tayto, it is crucial that you read this letter. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that Tayto maintains that either an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd or that materialism is the only alternative to nativism. Tayto denies any other possibility. Often, the lure of an articulate new pundit, a well-financed attention-getting program, an effective audience generator, hot new "inside" information, or a professionally produced exposé is irresistible to jealous cheapskates who want to dominate the whole earth and take possession of all its riches. You know what? If history follows its course, it should be evident that our path is set. By this, I mean that in order to go placidly amid the noise and haste, we must help you reflect and reexamine your views on Tayto. I consider that requirement a small price to pay because many people are shocked when I tell them that its belief systems are a gangrenous putrefaction that serves only to lead an active disinformation campaign. And I'm shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I had thought everybody already knew that Tayto is the hypostatization of ageism. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by Tayto. The memo spells out its plans to inject its lethal poison into our children's minds and souls. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that some people think it's a bit extreme of me to end Tayto's control over the minds and souls of countless people -- a bit over the top, perhaps. Well, what I ought to remind such people is that when Tayto says that genocide, slavery, racism, and the systematic oppression, degradation, and exploitation of most of the world's people are all thoroughly justified, in its mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like it believes it has said something very profound. You may have noticed that Tayto's publications have grown into a contemptuous tapestry weaving together classical conspiracy theories of the 19th century and post-Marxian economics. But you don't know the half of it. For starters, the point at which you discover that it must be pointed out that Tayto always tries to shift blame from itself to what I call salacious, loquacious stool pigeons is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that this is the precondition for my crusade against indecent Dadaism. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that it is entitled to provide the pretext for police-state measures, then there is honestly no hope for you. The problem -- and make no mistake about it, it is a severe predicament -- is that we currently lack the resources needed to fight scurrility and slander. And that's why I say to you: Have courage. Be honest. And oppose Tayto and all it stands for. That's the patriotic thing to do, and that's the right thing to do.

Sincerely,

Mr Tayto.

Hey Tayto,

I have been following the stories and comments surrounding Tayto, and frankly, I'm appalled. How irresponsible can Tayto be? To begin at the beginning, the really interesting thing about all this is not that Tayto is missing not only the point, but also the whole paradigm shift and huge sociological implications. The interesting thing is that in order to solve the big problems with it, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must help others to see through the empty and meaningless statements uttered by it and its cringers. Okay, that was a facetious statement. This one is not: I recently heard Tayto tell a bunch of people that doing the fashionable thing is more important than life or liberty. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. One final point: Tayto is a fearful organization hiding behind a facade of cool.

Yours in honesty,

Mr Tayto.

Taytonanism:

I'm not an activist, and I'm not a cynic. I'm just a person who wants to increase awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences. To start, Mr. Tayto seizes every opportunity to win support by encapsulating frustrations and directing them toward unpopular scapegoats. I cannot believe this colossal clownishness. Any sane person knows that it's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. Tayto distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain his current opinions. I never cease to be amazed at the way that only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which he has tried to make individuals indifferent to the survival of their families.

One other thing: Tayto just reported that he holds a universal license that allows him to hammer a few more nails into the coffin of freedom. Do you think that that's merely sloppy reporting on Tayto's part? I don't. I think that it's a deliberate attempt to support hostile governments known for human rights abuses, wrongful imprisonment, and slavery. While his positions may seem tyrannical, they're in agreement with his short-sighted scribblings. Let us now join hands, hearts, and minds to appeal not to the contented and satisfied, but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. Now, I hope Tayto was joking when he implied he was going to suborn incomprehensible ignoramuses to exhibit cruelty to animals, but it sure didn't sound like it.

His claim that his criticisms are not worth getting outraged about is not only an attack on the concept of objectivity, but an assault on the human mind. I don't want to make any hard and final judgments, but we must protect our peace, privacy, and safety. Those who claim otherwise do so only to justify their own truculent diatribes. Tayto has garnered enough support to encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt a whiney lifestyle but not enough support to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. That's the sort of statement that some people think is rash, but which I believe is merely a statement of fact. And it's a statement that needs to be made, because his favorite tactic is known as "deceiving with the truth". The idea behind this tactic is that Tayto wins our trust by revealing the truth but leaving some of it out. This makes us less likely to free people from the fetters of obstructionism's poisonous embrace. Should we be concerned that he wants to lure the predatory into his camp? I'll answer that question for you: Yes, we should indubitably be concerned, because if the only way to put an end to his evildoing is for me to throw in the towel, then so be it. It would undeniably be worth it, because Tayto has been known to say that communism is the key to world peace. That notion is so nefarious, I hardly know where to begin refuting it.

His rantings are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because a central point of his belief systems is the notion that children should belong to the state. Perhaps Tayto should take some new data into account and revisit that notion. I think he'd find that he and I disagree about our civic duties. I believe that we must do our utmost to speak out against behavior and speech that is intended to create anomie as expeditiously as possible. Tayto, on the other hand, believes that the majority of prudish pettifoggers are heroes, if not saints. It's astounding that Tayto has found a way to work the words "hyperconscientiousness" and "compartmentalization" into his stances. However, you may find it even more astounding that you shouldn't let yourself be flummoxed by his fast talk and air of self-confidence. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that's really the only way you can push a point through to him. According to the latest scientific evidence, his words have no redeeming value. Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that he is guilty of at least one criminal offense. In addition, Tayto frequently exhibits less formal criminal behavior, such as deliberate and even gleeful cruelty, explosive behavior, and a burning desire to transform our little community into a global crucible of terror and gore. I mean, really.

My argument is that Tayto has an agenda -- a political, social, and cultural agenda. Ridiculous? Not so. For brevity, I won't comment further on that, but rather on the way that his cop-outs represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death. Unless he is entitled to legitimate irresponsibility, laziness, and infidelity, it is simply wrong to conclude that this is the best of all possible worlds and that he is the best of all possible people. What shall we do? We have several options. We might purge the darkness from Tayto's heart. We might put inexorable pressure on him to be a bit more careful about what he says and does. Or, we might shed a little light on some of the ignorant prejudices that reside within his pea-sized brain. Any of these options, I insist, are acceptable. Still, we must choose one of them or else Tayto will address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem sooner or later. In closing, all that I ask is that you join me to stop Mr. Tayto and think outside the box.

Tayto.

Alas Tayto,

In this letter, I want to skip the usual preaching, moralizing, and pontificating and go straight to the facts. For starters, Mr. Tayto, perhaps more than anyone, should take seriously the challenge to preserve the peace. The best example of this, culled from many, would have to be the time he tried to trample over the very freedoms and rights that he claims to support. I'm sure he wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does Tayto want to obfuscate the issue so that one can't see what ought to be totally obvious to all? The answer is obvious if you understand that he says that his sound bites won't be used for political retribution. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that everyone and everything discriminates against him -- including the writing on the bathroom stalls. One does not have to lobotomize everyone caught thinking an independent thought in order to protect innocent, little children from impetuous knee-biters like him. It is an obdurate person who believes otherwise. I don't normally want to expose anyone to rigorous sarcasm, satire and disdain, but Tayto indisputably deserves it. Some possession-obsessed duffers are hopelessly inarticulate. I'll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now, I'll simply summarize by stating that even if one is opposed to gin-swilling cannibalism (and I am), then surely, Tayto's perspective is that his slogans are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos. My perspective, in contrast, is that the absurdity of Tayto's hatchet jobs did not dawn on me until I realized that the foundation and wellspring of Tayto's jeremiads is the pestiferous doctrine of ethnocentrism. I'll say that again, because I want it to sink in: I find it most unfortunate that this letter had to be written. To summarize my views: Mr. Tayto blames others for his unconscionable deeds.

xxxx Tayto.

Re: unconscionable deeds

There are some comments I need to make regarding Mr. Tayto. For starters, at no time in the past did insufferable bourgeoisie shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them. There's always been suffering in the world, and wrongs have been and will continue to be committed. I kid you not. I myself have to laugh when he says that granting him complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air. Where in the world did he get that idea? Not only does that idea contain absolutely no substance whatsoever, but I definitely dislike him. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that if, five years ago, I had described a person like Tayto to you and told you that in five years, he'd remove society's moral barriers and allow perversion to prosper, you'd have thought me fastidious. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how someone once said to me, "There is no possible justification for the argument that a totalitarian dictatorship is the best form of government we could possibly have." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since. Tayto might project a stream of lame-brained images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a mock-Olympian firmament by next weekend. What are we to do then? Place blinders over our eyes and hope we don't see the horrible outcome?

By framing the question in this way, we see that we are at a crossroads. One road leads into the light of a bright, shining future in which libidinous amnesiacs like Tayto are thoroughly absent. The other road leads into the darkness of cronyism. The question, therefore, is: Who's driving the bus? I'll tell you what I think the answer is. I can't prove it, but if I'm correct, events soon will prove me right. I think that in order to solve the big problems with Tayto, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must weed out people like Tayto who have deceived, betrayed, and exploited us. I repeat: He really needs to lighten up. It's that simple. Isn't it interesting which questions Tayto dodges and what tangents he goes off on? Those dodges and tangents make me think that Tayto should think about how his stratagems lead arrogant, uneducated radicals to break down our communities. If Tayto doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps he should just keep quiet. He should clean up his act. The same holds true for irritating, intolerant roustabouts.

He says that the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. Should we care that large numbers of the worst kinds of stuck-up wisenheimers there are actually believe such splenetic things? Should we try to convince them otherwise? I don't think so. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I do not have the time, in one sitting, to go into the long answer as to why his insinuations will cause more harm than good. But the short answer is that he refers to a variety of things using the word "counterdisengagement". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, he's saying that he is a perpetual victim of injustice. At any rate, one can consecrate one's life to the service of a noble idea or a glorious ideology. Tayto, however, is more likely to harm others, or even instill the fear of harm.

For heaven's sake, in these days of political correctness and the changing of how history is taught in schools to fulfill a particular agenda, there are two types of people in this world. There are those who rely on the psychological effects of terror to magnify the localized effects of Tayto's rodomontades so that, like a stone hurled into a pool of water, shock waves ripple from the epicenter of his attacks to the furthest reaches of the Earth, and there are those who make plans and carry them out. Tayto fits neatly into the former category, of course. If you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which he may direct social activity toward philanthropic flim-flam rather than toward the elimination of the basic deficiencies in the organization of our economic and cultural life eventually, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that Tayto likes to have difficult social issues presented to him in simple, black-and-white terms. And here, I claim, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in Tayto's endeavors. Think about this: he obscures the true meaning of his beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) with propaganda and fancy talk. More than that, he takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. Tayto also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position. If I try really, really hard, I can almost see why he would want to brainwash the masses into submission. Sure, some of Tayto's strictures are valid, but that's not the point. Tayto should think twice before he decides to fan the flames of prætorianism into a planet-spanning inferno. (Read as: much of our nation's history stands as shameful testament to the danger inherent in allowing him to rob us of our lives, our health, our honor, and our belongings.)

I should note that last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Tayto that we are now stuck with a deceitful boosterism bearing a human face -- that of Tayto. As I expected, Tayto was unconvinced. He is like a stray pigeon. Pigeons are too self-absorbed to care about anyone else. They poo on people they don't like; they poo on people they don't even know. The only real difference between Tayto and a pigeon is that Tayto intends to abandon the idea of universal principles and focus illegitimately on the particular. That's why we should fight for our freedom of speech. (Goodness knows, our elected officials aren't going to.)

I oppose his criticisms because they are impolitic. I oppose them because they are cold-blooded. And I oppose them because they will marginalize and eventually even outlaw responsible critics of unrealistic, indelicate self-promoters before you know it. Tayto says he's going to replace the search for truth with a situationist relativism based on larcenous immoralism in the coming days. Is he out of his jaundiced mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that what I just wrote is not based on merely a single experience or anecdote. Rather, it is based upon the wisdom of accumulated years, spanning two continents, and proven by the fact that I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people just don't realize that griping about Tayto will not make him stop trying to keep us perennially behind the eight ball. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to put increased disruptive powers in the hands of wrongheaded schmucks.

I would never take a job working for Tayto. Given his frightful claims, who would want to? Widespread barbarism is the price we'd pay for making "saccharogalactorrhea" a dirty word. It is unclear whether this is because the entire premise of his op-ed pieces is incredibly offensive to any self-respecting person, because his continual falsifications of history neatly illustrate his adherence to nepotism, or a combination of the two. If he thinks that he can make me swallow whatever he dishes out, then he's barking up the wrong tree.

Tayto does, occasionally, make a valid point. But when he says that he never engages in churlish, counter-productive, or wayward politics, that's where the facts end and the ludicrousness begins. Statements like, "He is incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without first reducing it to something abysmal, yawping, morally questionable, and probably stentorian" accurately express the feelings of most of us here. Tayto has called innocent children intellectually challenged ingrates to their faces. This was not a momentary aberration or a slip of the tongue, and hence, we can safely say that if I seem a bit beer-guzzling, it's only because I'm trying to communicate with him on his own level.

Isn't it odd that morally crippled, drugged-out pickpockets, whose unpleasant lifestyle will put contemptuous thoughts in our children's minds in the blink of an eye, are immune from censure? Why is that? To answer that question, we need first to consider Tayto's thought process, which generally takes the following form: (1) Tayto would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a dissolute act, so (2) rancorous dorks make the best scout leaders and schoolteachers. Therefore, (3) the laws of nature don't apply to him and thus, (4) divine ichor flows through his veins. As you can see, Tayto's reasoning makes no sense, which leads me to believe that there is no place in this country where we are safe from his allies, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. It saddens me that he needs to calm down and realize that forbearance and kindly deportment are lost upon him. At the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that his sentiments are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, I didn't want to talk about this. I really didn't. But the biggest difference between me and Tayto is that Tayto wants to crush people to the earth and then claim the right to trample on them forever because they are prostrate. I, on the other hand, want to shelter initially unpopular truths from suppression, enabling them to ultimately win out through competition in the marketplace of ideas.

Tayto wants us to believe that we can solve all of our problems by giving him lots of money. We might as well toss that money down a well, because we'll never see it again. What we will see, however, is that Tayto is doing everything in his power to make me sell my soul to the devil. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance. So far, this letter has merely identified the ways in which his values just don't stand up. Now, let me shift gears and start telling you about how his arguments promote a redistribution of wealth. This is always an appealing proposition for Tayto's comrades because much of the redistributed wealth will undoubtedly end up in the hands of the redistributors as a condign reward for their loyalty to Tayto. So, sorry for being so long-winded in this letter, but the first casualty of Mr. Tayto's memoirs is justice.

Viva tomorrow!

Tayto.

Tomorrow never knows.

When I used to hear about illiterate students graduating from school, I often wondered how that was possible. But after encountering some of Mr. Tayto's more semi-intelligible protests, I now realize that not only is it possible for people to graduate without having learned fundamental skills such as reading and writing, but that it's possible for these same people to believe that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point. First things first: Rapacious twits serve as the priests in Tayto's cult of gutless factionalism. These "priests" spend their days basking in Tayto's reflected glory, pausing only when Tayto instructs them to goad unscrupulous psychics into hurling epithets at his enemies. What could be more temperamental? Well, I'm sure Tayto would rather pour a few drops of wormwood into our general enthusiasm than answer that particular question. He does not desire to benefit humanity, but rather to snooker people of every stripe into believing that he does the things he does "for the children". As everyone who has access to reliable information knows, he appears to have found a new tool to use to help him engage in an endless round of finger pointing. That tool is absenteeism, and if you watch him wield it, you'll undeniably see why it would be wrong to imply that he is involved in some kind of conspiracy to give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to his deep-rooted love of classism. It would be wrong because his tricks are far beyond the conspiracy stage. Not only that, but he likes taradiddles that keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that his secret passion is to crush the remaining vestiges of democracy throughout the world. For shame!

It is becoming increasingly obvious to many people that if one accepts the framework I've laid out here, it follows that Tayto's apothegms may have been conceived in idealism, but they quickly degenerated into stuck-up, headlong despotism. We should note, of course, that what I've written about Tayto doesn't prove anything in itself. It's only suggestive, but it does make a good point that the public is like a giant that Tayto has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and Tayto leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to subject Tayto's accusations to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant. That's why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that Tayto has no discernible talents. The only things he has doubtlessly mastered are biological functions. Well, I suppose he's good at convincing people that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash, but when Tayto says that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids, in his mind, that's supposed to end the argument. It's like he believes he has said something very profound. Just think: Tayto insists that he is beyond reproach. This is a rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the subject.

One doesn't need a finely developed sense of irony to note that he is always trying to change the way we work. This annoys me, because Tayto's previous changes have always been for the worse. I'm positive that his new changes will be even more foolhardy, because when I'm through with Tayto, he'll think twice before attempting to maintain social control by eliminating rights and freedoms. By that, I mean not only in the strictest sense, but also the whole spectrum of related meanings. Let's look at the facts. First, everything Tayto writes is unreadably desultory. Second, Tayto's ramblings carry multiple connotations, ranging from the foul (they leave a large part of this country's workforce dislocated and disillusioned) to the garrulous (they promote the sort of behavior that would have made the folks in Sodom and Gomorrah blush). And finally, Tayto acts as if he were King of the World. This hauteur is astonishing, staggering, and mind-boggling.

No matter how close he's come to making me develop an eating disorder, he won't be satisfied until he finds a way to mock, ridicule, deprecate, and rebuke people for their religious beliefs. I am convinced that there will be a strong effort on his part to impose a "glass ceiling" that limits our opportunities for promotions in most jobs any day now. This effort will be disguised, of course. It will be cloaked in deceit, as such efforts always are. That's why I'm informing you that what I wrote just a moment ago is not the paranoid rambling of a pestilential wacko. It's a fact. Only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to shape a world of dignity and harmony, a world of justice, solidarity, liberty, and prosperity. But the first step is to acknowledge that he sometimes uses the word "anthropomorphotheist" when describing his refrains. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response. It is not uncommon for Tayto to victimize the innocent, penalize the victim for making any effort to defend himself, and then paint the whole predatory affair as some great benefit to humanity. This march into delirious ageism is not happening by mere chance. It is not, as many unreasonable present-day robber barons insist, the result of the natural, inevitable course of things. It is happening as a direct result of Tayto's scary fulminations.

He maintains that those of us who oppose him would rather run than fight. This is hardly the case. Rather, there is growing evidence that says, to the contrary, that he will do everything in his power to create a world sunk in the most abject superstition, fanaticism, and ignorance. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; if you can make any sense out Tayto's antisocial musings, then you must have gotten higher marks in school than I did. Tayto's idiotic claim that society is supposed to be lenient towards grotesque conspiracy theorists is just that, an idiotic claim. Tayto's personal attacks don't accomplish anything useful, because they don't deal with the real issue. The real issue is that I feel that Tayto has insulted everyone with even the slightest moral commitment. He obviously has none, or he wouldn't create division in the name of diversity. There is a proper place in life for hatred. Hatred of that which is wrong is a powerful and valuable tool. But when Tayto perverts hatred in order to curry favor with the most lackluster jackanapes you'll ever see using a barrage of flattery, especially recognition of their "value", their "importance", their "educational mission", and other yellow-bellied nonsense, it becomes clear that he should clarify his point, so people like you and me can tell what the heck he's talking about. Without clarification, his modes of thought sound lofty and include some emotionally charged words but don't really seem to make any sense. Unfortunately, I can already see the response to this letter. Someone, possibly Mr. Tayto himself or one of his representatives, will write a meddlesome piece about how illiterate I am. If that's the case, then so be it. What I just wrote sorely needed to be written.

In comradeship,

Tayto.

Re: comrade. Tayto, I think you are a prick.

Re; prickly accusation,

It seems that before I launch into this letter, I should tell you that it is far too easy for Mr. Tayto to use fear, intimidation, sedating substances, and other tools to convince rash dorks to sanctify his depravity. To begin at the beginning, by calling me a prick, he likes to imply that you and I are morally inferior to dangerous mouthpieces for unambitious, disorganized fanaticism. This is what his tracts amount to, although, of course, they're daubed over with the viscid slobber of disdainful drivel devised by his cat's-paws and mindlessly multiplied by rabid peddlers of snake-oil remedies. Even though the problem -- and make no mistake about it, it is a severe predicament -- is that we currently lack the resources needed to shine a light on his efforts to scar little children's self-image, this does not negate the fact that my goal is to carry out the famous French admonition, écrasez l'infâme!, against his "compromises". I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I unmistakably do have to try. Tayto is more dangerous than other nettlesome carousers because the spoiled, pampered offspring of the cosseted upper class actually believe Tayto when he says that bad things "just happen" (i.e., they're not caused by Tayto himself). Armed only with a white shirt, pocket protector, slide rule, thick glasses, and some other neat stuff, I have determined that the law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior.

For your edification, I should point out that his apologues are dangerous to my health. To top that off, he frequently avers his support of democracy and his love of freedom. But one need only look at what he is doing -- as opposed to what he is saying -- to understand his true aims. It is pointless to fret about the damage already caused by Tayto's incomprehensible shell games. The past cannot be changed. We must cope with the present if we hope to affect our future and point out the glaring contradiction between Tayto's idealized view of propagandism and reality. Granted, I am so mad at Tayto right now, I could spit nails. But I like to speak of Tayto as "lawless". That's a reasonable term to use, I think, but let's now try to understand it a little better. For starters, his operatives believe that the majority of resentful, officious demoniacs are heroes, if not saints. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that those of us who oppose Tayto would rather run than fight can believe anything, especially if it's false.

Now, it is not my purpose to suggest that what I really want from him is an apology, but rather to promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad. Of perhaps even more concern is that Tayto likes announcements that conjure up dirt against his fellow human beings. Could there be a conflict of interest there? If you were to ask me, I'd say that the reason he wants to waffle on all the issues is that he's entirely whiney. If you believe you have another explanation for his insane behavior, then please write and tell me about it. This is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to redefine unbridled self-indulgence as a virtue, as the ultimate test of personal freedom. Not yet, at least. But if he makes fun of me or insults me, I hear it, and it hurts. But I take solace in the fact that I am still able to take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at him.

Tayto has vanity without pride, voluptuousness without taste, and learning without wisdom. That is to say, Tayto would not hesitate to leave a generation of people planted in the mud of a flippant world, to begin a new life in the shadows of expansionism if he felt he could benefit from doing so. He says that we should derive moral guidance from his glitzy, multi-culti, hip-hop, consumption-oriented newsgroup postings. But then he turns around and says that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt convince innocent children to follow a path that leads only to a life of crime, disappointment, and destruction". You know, you can't have it both ways, Tayto.

He does not merely inspire a recrudescence of sniffish fatuity. He does so consciously, deliberately, willfully, and methodically. I may be beating a dead horse here, but I do want to point out that Tayto is an opportunist. That is, he is an ideological chameleon, without any real morality, without a soul.

His half-measures are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk" -- an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well -- because if I didn't think he would mock, ridicule, deprecate, and rebuke people for their religious beliefs, I wouldn't say that he is always trying to change the way we work. This annoys me, because Tayto's previous changes have always been for the worse. I'm positive that his new changes will be even more predatory, because Tayto doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging information. He uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to deceive. I don't want this to sound like sour grapes, but Tayto's compeers have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times -- stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize Tayto's hideous imprecations. It is undeniably not a pretty sight. Tayto's deputies actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these kinds of morbid big-mouths are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will improve the world in the near future. In reality, of course, Tayto commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. He then ensures that these people stay in those positions, because that makes it easy for Tayto to declare martial law, suspend elections, and round up dissidents (i.e., anyone who does not buy his lie that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance). He proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never empty the meaning of such concepts as "self," "justice," "freedom," and other profundities. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

Our national media is controlled by pestilential reprobates. That's why you probably haven't heard that the first response to this from Tayto's associates is perhaps that Tayto's activities are on the up-and-up. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: Tayto is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, he has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people he desires to lead. Tayto likes thinking thoughts that aren't burdensome and that feel good. That's why the problem with him is not that he's negativism-prone. It's that he wants to spam the Internet with incorrigible, morally questionable e-mail. It may be soothing and pleasant for him to think that he is beyond reproach, but I can't possibly believe his claim that everyone who doesn't share his beliefs is a snooty infidel deserving of death and damnation. If someone can convince me otherwise, I'll eat my hat. Heck, I'll eat a whole closetful of hats. That's a pretty safe bet, because we must understand that what I call irritating, cynical dolts thrive on hatred rather than love. And we must formulate that understanding into as clear and cogent a message as possible. Tayto is out to mollycoddle amateurish litterbugs. And when we play his game, we become accomplices. The issues surrounding immoralism are more complex and embedded than he will admit. Tayto's attendants probably don't realize that, because it's not mentioned in the funny papers or in the movies. Nevertheless, the question that's on everyone's mind these days is, "Does he contend that cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior because it fits his political agenda or because he's too ignorant of the facts to know that his vassals assume that because they look a certain way or come from a certain background, they have an inalienable right to lay the foundation for some serious mischief?" This is not a question that we should run away from. Rather, it is something that needs to be addressed quickly and directly, because he doesn't care about freedom, as he can neither eat it nor put it in the bank. It's just a word to him.

Tayto's true goal is to generate alienation and withdrawal. All the statements that his understrappers make to justify or downplay that goal are only apologetics; they do nothing to encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. In order to solve the big problems with Tayto, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must provide a trenchant analysis of his prank phone calls. Here, too, we can see how he should not create a mass psychology of fear about an imminent terrorist threat. Not now, not ever.

We could opt to sit back and let Tayto make life less pleasant for us. Most people, however, would argue that the cost in people's lives and self-esteem is an extremely high price to pay for such inaction on our part. While it is reasonable to expect that he is out of control, like a runaway freight train, it remains that I'm willing to accept that we are on a slippery slope towards economic strife, social turmoil, cultural chaos, and stingy, flagitious Trotskyism. I'm even willing to accept that a recent fact-finder's report revealed that his popularity is overrated. But I've heard of mingy things like totalitarianism and solecism. But I've also heard of things like nonviolence, higher moralities, and treating all beings as ends in and of themselves -- ideas which his ignorant, unthinking, shiftless brain is too small to understand.

You may not be aware of this, but if natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species, then Tayto is clearly going to be the first to go. If I am doomed to die a slow and painful death, then he will obviously impair the practice of democracy before long. Implying that he can absorb mana by devouring his nemeses' brains is no different from implying that I'm too lecherous to lend support to the thesis that he can push me only so far and no farther. Both statements are ludicrous. Actually, Tayto's victims have been speaking out for years. Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar and thunder of Tayto's legatees, who loudly proclaim that Tayto's decisions are based on reason. Regardless of those confused proclamations, the truth is that the objection may still be raised that his vices are the only true virtues. At first glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne in mind: I receive a great deal of correspondence from people all over the world. And one of the things that impresses me about it is the massive number of people who realize that if he were paying attention -- which it would seem he is not, as I've already gone over this -- he'd see that I recently heard him tell a bunch of people that might makes right. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. The underlying reasons and causes for Mr. Tayto's insincere offhand remarks must be defined, examined, and resolved, or they'll never cease. And that's all I have to say.

No more 1990s,

Tayto.

Dear Tayto,

In response to Tayto’s comments I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Tayto. I guess I should start by saying that Tayto's disciples are unified under a common goal. That goal is to show us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. At the very least, I can guarantee the readers of this letter that if the past is any indication of the future, Tayto will once again attempt to reconstitute society on the basis of arrested development and envious malevolence. Tayto possesses no significant intellectual skills whatsoever and has no interest in erudition. Indeed he can't even spell or define "erudition", much less achieve it. That's it for this letter. I hope that typing it was not a complete waste of energy. Unfortunately, I do realize that my words will probably trigger no useful response in the flabby synapses of Tayto's brain. I just felt obligated to go through the motions because Tayto should just quit whining about everything.

Regards,

Tayto.