Category Archives: Tayto et Tayto

If I have made just one person happy, then it’s all been worth it.

So my manager, Jimmy da C, rings me up da other day an says he got me this gig in some dump by da name of Shitstable. Wants me to do a little supporting skit for some schmuck performing ‘artiste’ called Chawson. I ain’t never heard of dis Chaw-son-of-a-bitch I say. Something about sandcastles says Jimmy. Sandassholes I says. I don’t support nobody, nobody don’t support me! Don’t no nobody ask me what to do! I’m head of da bill, I tells him. I’m top of da pops. Dere have been some folks who decided to take advantage of my success to make damselves a career. Dey are nothing but a miserable bunch of lowlife bastards. I’ve paid the price, they can’t afford it. I’ve laid a lotta pipe in my time. I’m going to make like a ham sandwich all over this piece of shit.

Shitstable, is dat near da Playboy Hotel and Resort in Lake Geneva? No shit, says Jimmy, he say – it’s more like Philly. That’s my home town. Where do you get off tellin’ people dat? You tryin to be funny? Whatda fuck would a famous handsome guy like me want to do in a shit hole like that? He says this freekin Chawson character is going to be dere and wants me to give hims a supporting stagements. Then he says some more shit about sandcastles. I say I’ll sandpaper da smile awf his face and stick a cheesesteak up his ass. How does he even deserve to be on da same bill as me – I mean who does this guy think he is? I am the performing artiste.

So I goes and makes up little song about him down the phone – just to show that I do anything on da spot, dat I’m the professional around here. I got class and timin, do be do be doooo. Here I goes in da chord of C to da toon of Jack da Knife:

O dat Chawson
Better give ma teeth a flossin’
Cause I am da boss n’
He aint not talented poirson
He better not start a double crossin’
Me cause I’m gonna set fire to his balls n’
His ass – Boy, dat sure would be awesome!

Jimmy gets it down on some kinda tape. Sends the limey over dis recordin and a lawyer’s letter demanding $20K, a case of Jack, a couple of strippers an a first class air ticket. We don’t hear nothin for shit.

Turns out dis Chawson’s just some phoney-baloney with a fake name who makes a livin screwin tops on salt shakers. He’s tryin to be funny? He’s about as funny as cancer. Now he’s too faggy to show his real face in public cause he know if he does he gotta answer to me. I’ll nail this schmuck good time. I’ll rip out his heart and leave it in San Francisco. He thinks it’s a good idea to ask me to support him – thinks it might be funny or somethin. Well I’m laughing my ass off.

He don’t gone none of my talent, he’s a chicken shit wise ass. He wants a piece of my ass – if he wants it he better go and buy himself some rent boy cause my ass is mine. Getcha hands off me Chawson! If he don’t know me already dan he’s some ignorant jerkoff, because I’m da one and only, da greatest performer in da entire world. I do it my way. It’s my way or da high way. He’ll do it my way or its bye bye way. Dat’s what I say.

Tony Clifton

You’re Rendering that Scaffolding Dangerous!!

Every month, free cultural events in Scotland cause thousands of deaths, destroy property, generate pestilence, cause poverty, spread intolerance and drain the economy of billions of euro. Free event cowboys prevent legitimate cultural facilitators, such as Tayto et Tayto, from fully exploiting the cultural economy and Inspiring Capitalism.

This April 1st, Tayto et Tayto will be rendering scaffolding dangerous at key sites in the Scottish capital in support of the Scottish Government’s new licences for free cultural events. This fully licenced event will draw attention to the dangers of free events. Tayto et Tayto will facilitate interns to repeatedly climb and fall from Edinburgh City Council’s erections: grazing knees, dislocating joints, splitting chins and breaking bones in the good cause of a safer, and more exclusive, cultural capital. Incidents will occur throughout the city throughout the day. The pratfalls will be announced by a quick blast of the Happy Mondays ‘Brain Dead’: “why then do you do it again and again and again?”

The facilitators of this performance are generously supported by the Trump Foundation for the Arts, NATO and Strathclyde Regional Council.

Photography is not permitted.

Disclaimers:

Tayto et Tayto ‘You’re Rendering that Scaffolding Dangerous!!’ is open to residents of Scotland aged 16 and over but nobody over 38.

Falling from scaffolding is not open to employees of Tayto et Tayto, their family members or anyone else connected to the organisation.
Entry into the event is acceptance of these Terms and Conditions.
To enter the event you must fill out the online entry form two months in advance. If you have any questions about this, please call us on (0)123 – 456 – 789
Only one entry per person. Entry pretending to be another person will not be accepted.
No responsibility is taken for pratfalls that are delayed, misdirected or incomplete or cannot be delivered for any technical or other reason.
Tayto et Tayto collects personal information when you enter our event. We will use this information to pretend to be you and may contact you to discuss possible conscription to the TA or Tesco Clubcard.
The event closes at 12 midnight on 02 April 2012. People falling off scaffolding after that date and time will not be considered part of the performance.
One intern will receive an iPad 2.
Tayto et Tatyo accepts no responsibility for any costs associated with the event and not not specifically included in the event.
The event is non-exchangeable, non-transferable, and is not redeemable for cash or other events.
Tayto et Tayto retains the right to substitute the event with another event entirely in the event the event offered is not available.
Injured jumpers may be required for promotional activity.
No purchase necessary.
Tayto et Tayto accepts no responsibility for any damage, loss, liabilities, injury or disappointment incurred or suffered by you as a result of jumping off scaffolding or being hit by a jumper. Tayto et Tayto further disclaims liability for any injury or damage to you or any other person relating to or resulting from participation in the event even though it’s funded and licenced.
Tayto et Tayto reserves the right at any time and from time to time to modify or discontinue, temporarily or permanently, this event with or without prior notice due to whatever reasons without limitation, even though it’s funded and licenced. The decision of Edinburgh City Council in all matters under its control is final and binding and no correspondence will be entered into.
Tayto et Tayto shall not be liable for any failure to comply with its obligations where there is failure. Such circumstances shall include, but not be limited to, weather conditions, fire, dandruff, flood, nuclear weapons, hurricane, ghosts, strike, industrial dispute, rabies, war, slippy pavements, hostilities, indigestion, political unrest, running with scissors, riots, civil commotion, bad hair, inevitable accidents, supervening legislation by the Scottish Government or any other circumstances amounting to force majeure even though this event is funded and licenced and is headlining a big festival.

S1 Assembly, Sheffield on Saturday 5th February 2011

Tayto et Tayto, Dialogue (2005)

I am giving a talk entitled ‘Co-op, Co-opt Coup?’ at S1 Assembly, Sheffield on Saturday 5th February 2011.

S1 Assembly

11.30 – 12.00. Open studios, viewing of FIFTEEN exhibition, coffee.
12.00 – Introduction: Emma Cocker and Charlotte Morgan

SESSION 1

WHY/WHAT/HOW artist led spaces.

12.15 Presentation by Neil Mulholland.

COMING OF AGE –how to move on without settling down.

12.45 Candice Jacobs, Robin Kirkham, Julie Westerman.

13.30 Panel discussion with Candice Jacobs, Robin Kirkham, Julie Westerman, Neil Mulholland.

2.00 – 2.45. Lunch and viewing of temporary archive of material contributed by artist-led groups and organizations.

2.45 – Chair: Introduction.

SESSION 2

TESTING SPACE

3.00 Presentation by Rebecca Fortnum

3.30 Panel discussion with Jim Prevett, Haroon Mirza, Charlotte A Morgan, Thom O’Nions and Rebecca Fortnum with input from studio holders.

4.15 – 4.30 Coffee and cake.

SESSION 3

BEYOND SPACE – DIY, ASSOCIATION AND COLLECTIVITY

4.30 – 5.10 Profiles of Tether, The Royal Standard, The Woodmill, Reactor.

5.10. Presentation by Jim Shorthose.

5.30. Questions, issues, points of discussion, provocations: Andy Abbott, Megan Wakefield.

OPENING OUT

6.00. Plenary audience discussion:

6.30. Informal screening.

FIFTEEN is a group exhibition marking 15 years of S1 Artspace

kate allen – simon + tom bloor – theo burt – ross chisholm – chris clarke – katie davies – sean edwards – josephine flynn – babak ghazi – tommy grace – jerome harrington – steve hawley – paul housley – george henry longly – duncan marquiss – haroon mirza – ryan mosely – emily musgrave – steve dutton + percy peacock – james pyman – james richards – florian roithmayr – giles round – matthew smith – sarah staton – graeme stonehouse – shaan syed – rosanna traina – nicole wermers – julie westerman – katy woods

Curated by Louise Hutchinson and George Henry Longly

Inhabiting any new premises requires its potential occupant to conduct a survey and inspection of the building to test its condition and value. For an artist-led space, this survey involves more than an assessment of bricks and mortar, it has to be tested in other ways. To mark the inauguration of its new premises and the occasion of its 15 year anniversary, S1 Artspace has invited over 30 artists to survey its new space, to test it out according to the criteria of their specific practices.

The exhibiting artists have already played a key part in S1’s history, they include previous and current studio holders as well as artists who have contributed towards S1’s programme over the last 15 years. The exhibition attempts to address the notion of the survey show: it is not an occasion of looking backwards, a retrospective survey that simply attempts to celebrate what has already been. Rather, the exhibition itself is presented a s a testing space, where selected artists have been invited (back) based on their capacity to both reflect and test out key concerns and issues considered intrinsic to S1’s programming (past, present and future).

Some works act as support structures for presenting the work of other artists, elsewhere collaborative approaches are made more central, where the line between individual and collective practice is wilfully blurred. The critical concerns of the exhibition (and issues relating to artist-led activity more broadly) will be further addressed through a series of talks, panel discussions and events, collectively entitled S1 Assembly. Together the exhibition and events programme operate both as a survey of S1’s (past) activity and for surveying its new premises and the potential therein; where the past is drawn upon as a way to test the conditions of the present, as a point of provocation against which to develop and debate possibilities for future action.