WeRLtd!: Bestiary 4Achieving Imitation Doxa
Dark Mountain Issue 11, Spring 2017. p146-155. Hardback book, 248 pages long, printed on FSC-certified paper.
‘Creative Art Writing’ from Scottish Graduate School for the Arts & Humanties @ Cohort Development Fund Residential at Hosptialfield House, Arbroath, 22-23rd April 2016
Object 1 (The Gallery)
Nonproducable, registered. Lean over fat. No. No fat. All lean. Linseed. Transparent glazes. Linseed for darker colours, the tones brown slowly. Unloaded. Not enough noise. Hues have to be in a relationship in order to be intimate. To look and feel good. Biomorph. “It’s fun to have a partner who understands your life and lets you be you.” A luminous bloc of sensations held in place, not by bone or skeletal structure, but by a framework. Tea tree oil? Dressed. Avoid black as undercoat. Overdetermined. Puffy. Applying pressure sufficient to ensure a true and continuous contact on the surface to leave a trace. Lights change colour once or twice. Baby Oil. Stroking a stroked surface. Incontrovertible facts. Subtle yet fresh. Glee-mote of pliant materials. An increase of pressure to 980.7 millibar causes vibrations, (but will caused too rough surface.) Marshmallow. The principal graph of the brush wear as a function of brush pressure:
Reproducable, registerable. Lean over fat. No. No fat. All lean. Linseed. Transparent glazes. No linseed for light colours, the tones yellow quickly. Unloaded. Too much noise. Hues have to be in a relationship in order to be intimate. To look and feel good. Biomorph. A luminous bloc of sensations. Coconut oil? Dressing. Avoid black as undercoat. Overdetermined/sfumato. Thin. Applying pressure sufficient to ensure a true and continuous contact on the surface to leave a trace. Lights never change colour. Olive Oil. A stroked surface being stroked. Incontrovertible facts. Subtle yet fresh. “I love the sun but don’t have the time to get a good tan and keep it year-round.” Glee-mote of pliant materials. An decrease of pressure from 980.7 millibar causes vibrations, (but will not be caused by too smooth surface.) Marshmallow. The principal graph of the brush wear as a function of brush pressure:
Object 2 (The Studio)
Pinched and abandoned. The silver pouch was exotic, available only in Barcelona. Vacuuming the 1% pineapple contents in under a minute at 35 degrees. Filling up a suitcase with 200ml bursts and rationing them for a month or so, making them last out the short summer. Now manufactured in Germany and found in most good retailers. It knows no borders and never runs dry. Removing the last sachet from the fridge, its RFID authorises Ocado to deliver a fresh batch. A vision statement for the European Community Framework Programme 5 for Research and Technological Development (FP 5).
Object 3 (The Library)
Crabb’s Technological Dictionary Vol. II
Ser – Servant Bell Trigger
On application with mechanical pulley system to alert the Butler, a bell-trigger gives the master of the house power to assemble whenever divined, on ordinary or extraordinary occasions considered advantageous. The trigger connects a wire to pulley or ‘jingo’ at an inclination of twenty-three and one half degrees, from whence it is expeditiously abridged with an amputentur. When unclogged and unencumbered, the amputentur connects with a long digest of three spigots that lean rightward with normal circumstance, to be pulled back on application of the bell ringer itself. With this the Butler and common housemaids act in a more fleeting manner than the Earth itself. The device was adapted for common household use in this precise manner by the inventor d. 1876 leaving a brother: Sir James Crawford.
Te – Telefonivm Britanicvs
The telefonivm Britanicvs ministers to themes and merely material wants of our nature, enabling us to beat upon the world from without directly into the mind, or, indeed to imbibe reason itself. It is possible to determine the civilisation of a people from the study of such morphology, a balance and equilibrium of the forces which animate and constitute such objects viz. – due to the presence of God, the Being of Beings. Telefonivm Britanicvs porticos determines the forms and movements, the features and phenomena of nature are not singular inventions, making their apparitions in material nature for the first time unto strangers, friends and foes. It enables facts: the laws of nature to pass as residuary actions too many and too frivolous to be named.
I remain, &c. &c.
The old rug can come up around the windows – it’s soiled chuck it. The window recesses will provide some extra leeway for getting in and out (maintenance). Give it approx. ten feet by ten feet, that’s the min for a decent one. Rip out the wooden panelling in that area. The shutters are crowbarred too. They go to Perth to get sliced and stripped for peel-n-stick reclaimed panelling in the toilets. Cut a 10×10 hole in the floor. (Keep a few panels to cedar line the rim). Bang a scaffold up outside the window so you can pour in the concrete. 3 to 4 inches thick will do for a foundation. Once it’s in, it won’t be going anywhere! When it’s full, it’ll weigh a ton. Put four I beams and two lintels in to be on the safe side.
The plumbing can run on the wall – save getting the bore guy up from Dundee. Take out one of the window panes and gaffa tape it up. Exhaust fan goes in here and plastic u-bend will take it all. You can cable tie the wiring to it. Normally a 240V, 50-amp GFCI is used, but the sockets here seem decent, should do for a 50A breaker. Just fire it in. Gyproc over the backend and no-one will be any the wiser. Stick in sealant and use PVA for splashback. Secondary glazing, with plantations to mask, like the Glamis Castle job.
Pull out the fire, it goes in garden in the middle parachute tent with all the others. Take the statue from there and put it right in the middle of the room. The fireplace can come out too. Put it in my van (sister needs a new worktop). There’s a nice Dimplex Pro Chassis that will be big enough to take the chill of the air. Get the mirror down and screw it on the ceiling about the tub. If you jam the window it won’t steam up too bad.
Gypsum the whole wall flush, plaster and then whack up the Timorous Beasties New York City toile. Fire the plasma screen on top – keep the cables nice n tidy, hidden down the back of the flush wall. Change the splash screen from the default with the new kde taped on the back. System settings -> Workspace Theme -> Splash Screen -> Africology
Get they chaise lounges vanned to Kirkton of Glenisla. Croupier knows where they’re headed. The wasssafaces on the ceiling, they trap the damp and will get all mouldy so chip them. Be careful though, they’re worth a few quid. Stick in some LED downlighters, the ones that change colour & keep a few panels clear for the wireless speakers. Take the curtains off the wall and cut them into 12×6 in. strips. They want them for throw pillowcases for the bridie museum in Forfar. Screw the snowboards on the biggest wall. And the heated towel rail (next to the socket, short cable).
The bookshelf goes right round the door. The Dandy and Beanos (wallpaper paste some pages onto the shelves and cover the whole door with them. Try to get Bash Street Kids in there). The Fishs Eddy merch goes here. Take the other one back to the brick. If there aren’t bricks, stick some in. Leave it messy. Then bang up the sign with the lightbulbs in – the Sol one. It’s a “wet room” so lino the floor, the tiles come out from the tub 2 feet or you run out. Then the old lino.
I’m on site first thing Thurs.
© Circinn. All rights reserved.
Our mailing address is: email@example.com
The Circinn Group are committed to providing the lieutenancy’s leading Centers of Excellence, and to bringing people together more effectively than ever before. Our major new rennovation project has allowed us to re-conceive the presentation of our portfolio and offer a more open and engaging experience. Our offer includes an expanded and reorganised entrance vestibule solution, providing 43% more space for bringing people together in new and unexpected ways.
The renovations for our new flagship, including enlargements of the suites, are inspired by designs by the Singapore-based FoxyBrune Creatives. They add a sense of quality, scale, character and creativity with beautiful time worn, uneven surfaces giving unique and original immediate effects. Circinn has partnered with eco-friendly skincare brand Africology to produce a truly authentic African spa experience for the mind, the body and the soul. Treatments will include a range of scalp and leg massages in our well-being/euthanasia room. All rooms overlook a private waterhole frequented by Scots wildlife.
The latest addition to Angus’ largest and most diversified hospitality group, our portfolio has been four decades in the making, and includes boutique hunting lodges, state of the art barges, bijoux museums and even a casino because we we’re feeling lucky! You’ll find all the nation’s favourite fayre on our menus as well as the cosmopolitan delights of gourmet island – all at great prices and served with a smile by our friendly team. Make sure you stop by next time you’re in town or visiting the historic Kirkton of Glenisla Monaco Casino & Grill.
Re: Hidden gems to inspire your next getaway
We both really enjoyed the detox tank which are inclusive as part of your access and made the weekend even more of a treat. – amazing value!
On the second day I bought two coffees from the bar. Made my own pizza! All the staff were very attentive. 🙂
online booking was very easy food was as always lovely the only thing was soaking in the jackozi and it was very very cold as I was up and down shutting the window maybe having a self closeing window mite be a good idea
– good burger although £17.99 for the ‘african’ breakfast was a bit steep
A play featuring things from the Scottish Arts Council’s Glasgow Gallery (1968-74) and the first ten years of Third Eye Centre, Glasgow (1975-86) based on www.glasgowmiraclearchives.org
Commissioned by ‘The Glasgow Miracle: Materials for Alternative Histories’, Glasgow School of Art. Click on the image below to read the play:
thN Lng folk 2go: Investigating Future Premoderns™
by The Confraternity of Neoflagellants
with a Preface by Simon O’Sullivan
Brooklyn, NY: punctum books, 2013. 242 pages, illus. ISBN-13: 978-0615890258. OPEN-ACCESS e-book and $17.00 [€15.00/£12.00] in print: paperbound/5 X 8 in.
“At last, the rival Confraternity of SpeculativeRealism® has its missing subject! Here, the human-object/thing sits still-as-stone, dis-connected from one regime in order to connect to another. As such, this book is a contribution to Thing Theory, but of a very queer and wonky kind. An object-oriented ontology© on amphetamines and psilocybin.” (Simon O’Sullivan)
“There will be many things about this guide that you will not like. It might drive a bit too fast for comfort, especially because it has no seatbelts—the Journeyman’s Guide is open top and the roads to its anchorholds swerve all over the place. But you need to drive very fast to see things as things.” (Reviews, Proto-Bitch, Portland, OR)
Book launch tonight Halloween:
In the jousting field of Parc Mont Royale, near Chemin Olmsted, Montréal, QC H2W 1S8, Canada, at 19:00 EST Sergeant at Arms (Norman Hogg) will download a PDF of the book from punctumbooks.com/titles/thn-lng-folk (CAN$ 0) onto his Android cellphone and drink a toast from Horton’s cup.
At Cabaret Voltaire, Spiegelgasse 1, 8001 Zürich, Switzerland:
Keeper of the Wardrobe (Neil Mulholland) will launch the print copy of the book (€15) at 23:00 CET The first advanced print copy will be flagellated then burned, its ashes interned in the bin outside Cabaret Voltaire’s gift shop.
Hope to see you there!
Contributors to This Is Not A Book About Gavin Turk include Damien Hirst, Hardy Blechman, Sebastian Horsley, Jon Savage, Fiona Banner, Bob& Roberta Smith, Matthew Collings, Neil Mulholland, Darian Leader, Hari Kunzru, James Flint, Mark Stephens, Jessica Voorsanger, Richard Strange, Josie Barnard and many more. It will be published by Trolley in Spring 2014.
thN Lng folk 2go
by The Confraternity of Neoflagellants
with a Preface by Simon O’Sullivan
Iz thri riwles:
Die earste riwle speketh ov journie — iz al outward, ant riwles de body. Schulen ov swucche thinges az flk bear thmselvs outward; eat, drunch ant werke.
Dis riwle speketh ov anchorit. Schulen ov ascetic.
Die thridde riwle speketh ov host. Schulen ov embody ant transfigure.
Neomedievalisms are cultural practices that breathe a bouquet of premoderns as permanent rehearsals of coming events. Where medievalists may be prone to police the post-medieval weald for ‘inauthentic’ medievalisms, neomedievalists embrace the articulation and mobilisation of metahistorical ‘anachronisms’. To the medievalist, medievalisms provide powerful indexes that reveal how post-medieval societies have variously imagined ‘little middle ages’ to suit modern agendas. To the neomedievalist, medievalisms are theory-fictions that facilitate ludic speculation on non-modern futurities.
While neomedievalist theories have emerged in a variety of fields since the early 1970s — notably in cultural studies of medievalisms, international relations and literary theory — there are few applications that synthesise and put the methodologies of these diverse fields into practice. thN Lng folk 2go applies this extant scholarship as an extradisciplinary practice, dramatising the neomedieval turn in (quasi)objects, persons, work, education, travel, food, ethnicity, media, art, hypereconomics and technology. This speculative journey is ghost authored by a trinity of neomedievalist narrators — Journeyman, Anchorite and Host — each relic-ing their own curious neomedieval futurities.
Drawing its heterogeneous approaches from studies in medievalisms, international relations, literary theory, actor-network theory, anthropology, hypereconomics, art history, aesthetics, ecology, cultural theory, cultural geography, ambience, speculative realism and future studies — thN Lng folk 2go is both an investigation of and a benefaction to a murmuration of neomedievalisms.
thN lng flk 2go iz an boke in fif bokes:
I. L’Amérique Souterraine
Dis earste dale speketh iter pro peregrinis ad metro. Dis boc iz todealet in fif leasse bokes ov journie-men Gambini’s 2 doze hu Lng 2 g0. Iz earste riwle ant ov swucche thinges az duble homo-feaste, drunch ant werke, ant iz ov othre (dug-heids) ant quazi-thinges.
II. Imperium et Sacerdotium
Dis other dale speketh ov nuncii ant procuratores, ov assemblies ant crusades.
III. The Journeyman’s Guide to Anchoritism
Dis thridde dale iz’ov translatione corporis. Dis dale iz ov customz, liturgica, blak noiz, ant self-discipline ov d post-homo man-thinge. Dis boc iz todealet in thri leasse bokes ov ancre’s wittes.
IV. xyzzy: Contemporary Art Before and After Britain
Dis feorthe dale iz’ov beatific ant ov swucche thinges az doth come from the eye’s arrows. Ad te levavi.
V. When Transfiguration Became Commonplace
Dis fifte dale speketh ov host. Dis dale is al of the thridde riwle, wen translatione bcAM hyper-economicus.
*Dis boke is supported by the Carnegie
Trust for the Universities of Scotland
The Confraternity of Neoflagellants are lay peoples dedicated to the ascetic investigation, application, dissemination and treatment of neomedievalisms. The Confraternity of Neoflagellants was founded in 2009 by Serjeant-At-Law Norman Hogg (Université Montréal, Québec) and joined by Keeper of the Wardrobe Neil Mulholland (Université Édimbourg, Écosse). It is a secular and equal opportunities confraternity bound by chirograph.
Follow the Confraternity on Twitter: @neoflagellants